angsty

did nothing today but bumm around. i still feel heady.i think i'm coming down with something. i want some white wine, man. my head hurts so bad. it's like, when i blink my eyes or close them really hard, masaket! i can't get sick this week. i have lots of major papers due including my final exam paper for 101 and pulan's class. plus, i have a philo paper to do and some 126.2 reporting. gad. haven't even started with 161's paper. it's that last spurt before finals and i'm dying right now.

plus i'm having problems sleeping because of . . i don't know. anxiety? i feel like any moment now, i'm going to go crazy and actually slit my throat. yeah. i've given up on the whole swallowing liquid sosa if i want to kill myself obsession. don't even know what the hell sosa is except for the fact that it burns your esophagus and stomach and even though you drink a lot of it, there's still a possibility that you will live. god. why am i so weird? there's nothing more common than being feeling suicidal during your college years. which i'm really not. feeling lang.

life is so depressing. i hate my course and i hate it that everyone hates it too. tangina ba't ang bobo ko? my dad is pressuring me to go to law school and i sorta did want to go ever since i was a kid but then, i don't want to go just because i feel so stupid in my course. like, ano labas ko when i graduate? teacher? yeah, right. you're going to bring "honour" to your family by being a teacher, man. so not going to happen. the thing is, if i'm just going to law school to add crap on my resume, why bother? i have a feeling they're going to stick me in mindanao anyway and make my handle two or three of our branches there. holy shit... i feel so lacking right now. everyone's learning practical stuff in management. and i am learning how to write damn good research papers. mannnnnnnn, don't be surprised when we have reunions fifteen years right now and you're all successful businessmen and women while i'm just a teacher. holy fuck! the pride!!! i don't want to be JUST a teacher.

the future is crashing down on my shoulders. i have nowhere to go. it's like, my life in lit is all planned out. there is only one road to success and that's if i go to law school. if i don't, i'm just a teacher. faith was right. there's no money in lit.

i just want this week to be over. oh gad. i keep on looking over my shoulder. i am so nervous tonight. i watched true asian horror at around 3 in the morning a while ago. freaked me out. thank you sadako and phone and all those famous japanese and korean horror movies. it's almost six in the morning and i'm still up. i can't bring myself to lie on the bed because it hurts too much. swallowing hurts my throat and i have a huge zit on my cheek. fuck.

i also have a bad feeling about someone right now. don't know what's wrong but i think it's going to blow up on my face someday.







it's times like this that i just want to get drunk or high or i don't know what and just forget about everything. the weight off my shoulders. swimming in clouds sorta thing.






it's almost sunrise. god, kill me now.